I've been missing. MIA - missing in action. I was here and then it just seemed like I faded away. It was gradual at first and then all-encompassing, like throwing a heavy dark blanket over something you want to hide. Only, I didn't plan to hide. I didn't plan to disappear. I didn't want to do either. I wanted to fight it, but I've been left with just no idea how to even start fighting it.
What I'm trying to say, what I'm dancing around is: I've been seriously depressed. Like, don't care what happens in the rest of the world, can't I just stay here under the covers forever and hide depressed.
Who am I? Did I ever know? These are questions that have been rolling around in my head for a few months now.
Was it obvious how bad things had gotten? I don't think so...I mean, DH knew. But I don't know if anyone else noticed. I'm pretty good at putting on a "everything's OK" face for short bursts of time when I need to...I've been doing that for as long as I can remember. But, to maintain a level of OK-ness? I just couldn't do it. Everything felt heavy and dark and empty.
I went through some of the motions. But others just fell apart. I did the bare minimum. It was all I could do.
I don't even know how I managed to get myself together enough to find a Dr. and get myself there, but I credit DH with always being the "whatever I need to do to make it happen for you" guy that he is and always is, because if there had been one more obstacle I might still be sitting in the dark all alone.
It's still pretty shady where I am...but I can see a pinpoint of light that I think is the end of the tunnel. I sure hope so, because if it's an approaching train that would really suck.
