I quit posting here again. Right in the middle of a blogging challenge, no less. I hate when I set goals for myself and then fall short. Hate.It. That's probably why I have so few goals...
Oh well. The truth is, I've tried to keep angry, depressing shit off of my blog. I've accomplished this mostly by not posting here when I feel angry or depressed. That tactic's just not working out very well for me. I NEED to be writing and posting; even if I'm the only one who ever reads it.
To be even more truthful, a big part of why I shy away from showing that I'm fully human and get angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. is because of my past. My family I grew up with. They've screwed me up in the head.
I'm sure everyone's families do that to them, but I'm the only me and all I've got is my story to tell.
It may not be unique, but it's my experience.
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So, here's where my head is at this moment:
If you don't like me or the way I think or the thoughts I share...there's the door. Help yourself to it!
If you find yourself judging me for who I am and what I do, please don't feel like you have to stick around. Your negativity isn't welcome in my life. I think enough bad things about myself without adding your criticisms!
If you can only interpret my actions with a filter built in your head that casts an ugly shadow and theme across everything I do...why are you still here? If you think I'm a piece of shit, why give a damn at all what I do?
If your answer is "we're family". That's a bullshit reason to stick around. Sorry. You don't have to agree, but in my personal opinion "family" doesn't have to be the people you are genetically similar to...
And sticking beside "family" when you don't really love them enough to look beyond your preconceived notions of who they are, or beyond your belief that they are still the same person they were 10, 20, or 30 years ago is a completely pointless thing to do. Why spend your time and energy giving a damn about someone if all you see in them is failure?
Similarly, the people you are genetically similar to don't have to be your family.
If someone treats you like shit and seems to only want to cause you pain, why have anything to do with them? Even if you did spend decades living under the same roof. If someone only has negative things to say about you - why have anything to do with them? Even if they are your parent or sibling or Aunt or Uncle. If every time you speak with someone you spend the following days wondering "what did they mean by that?" - they might not be the best person to spend your time talking to! Regardless of who they are and what your history with them is.
So, here's a novel idea for you: dump them! Dump the family you were born into if they can't appreciate you for who you are. If they seem to think it is their sole mission in life to point out all your flaws and failures in life; just walk away! YOU.Deserve.BETTER!
Set yourself free! Erase their words and angry voices from your memory. Tell yourself that their perception of you isn't the truth. Tell yourself that you are a good person. Tell yourself you are kind. Tell yourself you are loving. Tell yourself you are honest. Tell yourself you are caring. Tell yourself you are generous. Tell yourself that you are hard working. Tell yourself that you are creative. And tell yourself that you are fun! They should have been telling you those things, but just because they didn't doesn't make them untrue!
And then, once you believe all of those things about yourself, forgive them. They're human, too, after all. I'm not saying to forget...just to forgive. Let go of the anger. Holding that anger isn't good for you and it's not hurting them or effecting them in any way. So just let it go.
That doesn't mean forget. It doesn't mean go back and let them hurt you more. It just means: quit carrying the anger. That's it.
And keep on being good, kind, loving, honest, caring, generous, hard working, creative, fun YOU!
You win!
Love it!!! xx
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