Right Now. Today.

Right now it is 6:08 in the morning where I am.  My house is quiet except for the sound of my fingers clicking on my laptop, the clock on the wall ticking away and my dog wandering through the kitchen to check if she left any kibble on the floor; maybe one rolled up under the edge of the cabinet.

From where I sit, I can see out the wide glass double doors facing southeast and the light of the day is just beginning to break.  A yellowish-gold creeps higher and higher into the sky, lightening it as the darkness moves higher and higher...

DH and Buddy are snuggled in our bed just above my head, a mountain of pillows creating a barrier on my side of the bed so Buddy doesn't roll off the edge.

I'm sitting here, with a hot cup of strong coffee by my side, in my favorite robe that DH bought me for our very first Christmas together and my wet hair wrapped turban-style in a yellow towel.  I can't remember the last time I had the house to myself!  I've been so exhausted for so long that just the thought of dragging my tired bones from our bed even a minute before it was necessary made me even more exhausted.

But today I awoke at 5am, and though I laid there wondering if I would drift away once again for just a bit, I eventually arose and seized this day!  I have a lot planned for today; I'll share the story with you once I know how it turns out, but so far my predictions and expectations of how it would be have been far, far different than the reality.

I have a tendency to expect the very worst.  It's a defense mechanism; built after years and years of disappointment.  I hate that I do it.  It's really the easy way out...if you don't expect much, you don't feel disappointment.  And if you don't feel disappointment you don't go through the mental dance of beating yourself up for having hope when you know you don't deserve for things to go well anyway.  That's the lie you tell yourself...

But when you don't have high hopes, you miss out on the joy of anticipation, too.  The excitement of all the what-ifs!  I rob myself of all the positive hopes and good feelings that come along with it.  And I need to stop.

Right now, today, I need to feel happy.  I need possibilities...

You do too.  What are you looking forward to?