Which home? Why, it's the one with a toddler inside!
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It's almost as if they just realized that they have some control over their world and they're determined to figure out exactly how much control they have. You are the enemy, the prey, all that stands between total anarchy and chaos. If you falter or weaken now, the battle may be forever lost!
Toddlers will go through the arsenal they have assembled in their tiny little heads until they find one that works...do not give in. Stand your ground! 99% of their tactics lack follow through and planning. They shoot from the hip and their experience is minimal. THIS is the time to establish yourself as the leader.
Do not be fooled, they will use anything they can: "the cuteness", tears, your sympathy, your indecision, your self-doubt and your tendency to threaten punishment worse than you are willing to carry out - all weaknesses they will exploit! You must learn to outwit, outlast and outplay your toddler to survive!
Tactic 1: I need to poop! Aaah, yes...they've seen the panic these words evoke in you. They've seen you drop everything to hustle them to the potty in time. Oh, the power of those words... Do not allow yourself to be fooled; 93.65% of the time this is a fake-poopy claim to distract you and remove themselves from the "Naughty Spot". (If this time happens to fall in that 6.35% of the time they're not BS-ing you, seize the opportunity to explain the "Boy Who Cried Wolf" theory with your toddler! That's keeping on your toes, dear warrior!)
Tactic 1 Amplified: I need to poop while grabbing the diaper like there might already be poop in there that will soon be used for smearing. Do not let this amplified tactic scare you! Simply deploy your "I'm VERY serious" eyebrow raise while informing your toddler that "You don't touch poop! It's nasty!"
Tactic 2: I need milk! / I'm staaarrrving! As soon as their hiney hits the naughty spot, a switch flips inside them; their once-sated appetite roars! Or their thirst is that of a camel nearing the end of a trek across the Sahara. Perhaps both! And they're going to tell you all about it, usually while employing Tactic 3.
Tactic 3: Tears. Do I really need to elaborate on this one? Toddlers can turn on the tears faster than a donut disappears at a Weight Watchers convention! Unless the tears were preceded by an actual injury you witnessed occur, they are likely a manipulation tactic. Treat them as such until you can confirm otherwise.
Tactic 4: But I LOVE you and just want to hug you! When your toddler has an instant and urgent need to hug you and kiss you as soon as they realize they will be sitting in time out for their behavior. Do not let those little arms fool you...they are trying to distract you so your Toddler can go for the kill!
Tactic 5: Divide and conquer. If a toddler can get just one of his parents to fall for one of these tactics, all may be lost. Do not be the weakest link! Do not abandon your partner for those chubby little snuggles - everyone loses if you do...
Tactic 6: Ooow! Toddlers often suffer invisible and imaginary injuries that can only be healed with a kiss from Mommy or Daddy (and maybe a piece of chocolate). A large many of these "injuries" occur when the toddler is trying to divert your attention from what they've just done OR as they're facing the toll for their deeds. This tactic is generally paired with Tactic 3. Do not allow yourself to be fooled!
Tactic 7: My eyes! An offshoot of Tactic 6 that they discovered accidentally the day they got sand in their eyes and realized how quickly you moved to resolve their problem - crying "My eyes!" in a pained voice holds the power to turn an otherwise indomitable parent into a panicked eye-wiper. That's when they will pounce, perhaps employing Tactic 4. A certain toddler I know has been know to use Tactic 7 after Tactic 3 in an attempt evoke guilt his mother. The proper response to such manipulations is "If you weren't throwing a fit, your eyes wouldn't hurt." This response effectively returns the responsibility to the toddler and keeps everyone focused.
Perhaps you've fallen prey to one or more of these tactics and you ask yourself "Is all lost? Should I waive the white flag and beg for mercy?"
I say NO! Do not go gentle into that good night...RAGE, RAGE against the dying of the light!
And stand strong...
For we will make better mistakes tomorrow!
